as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
