1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Randomize
