Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
