After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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