Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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