i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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