im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
i've created a new STD.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Randomize
