I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
