we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
So squirting runs in the family.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Randomize
