nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Randomize
