Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
