So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
