he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Randomize
