I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
