I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
