Can i not drive my cunt home
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Boobs are out for the taking
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
