I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Randomize
