Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
