I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
