God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
She is in my trunk
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Randomize
