Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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