i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
