I am puke
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
