i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
