How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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