if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
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