thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Dignity is for republicans.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
