Your tits are I can't wait for
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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