Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
