you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
