community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
