i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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