I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
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