i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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