I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Randomize
