Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Randomize
