I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
