I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Randomize
