Moan for me like Helen Keller
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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