you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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