oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
