Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
