WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
