Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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