Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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