just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
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