My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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