Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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