You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
