I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
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