??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
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