I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
