I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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